Epic Fantasy – The Twitter Panel!

Participating: Lavie Tidhar (M), Ekaterina Sedia, Felix Gilman. With contributions from the audience.

We cover epic fantasy, elf-to-dwarf ratios, rapey fantasy and, of course, the troll question.

@lavietidhar: If I ever finish my elf book I could go on epic fantasy panels and shit. And I’ll be all like, WhatEVER!

@esedia: And then you’ll freak everyone out suggesting that maybe their version of the Middle Ages isn’t historically accurate!

@lavietidhar: I will be like, it ain’t proper fantasy unless it has elves in it!

@felixgilman: what is the minimum ratio of elves to dwarfs for a book to be proper fantasy in your opinion? i say not less than 3/5

@lavietidhar: we could totally do a panel about it with raised voices and pointing fingers and everything!

@felixgilman: too high a ratio of dwarf to elf is also bad. everything in moderation.

@lavietidhar: where do trolls fit into the equation?

@felixgilman: ah, the troll. our friend the troll! interesting. *strokes beard, inhales on pipe, has coughing fit & forgets question* 

@esedia: YOU ARE THE TROLL, YOU AND YOUR PERFORMANCE RAGE FRIENDS!!!!!

@kiplet: Do were-elves count? How about dwarf-elf hybrids? Whither the centaur?

@felixgilman: I believe you will find that Prop 8b’s ban on Dwarf-Elf Hybridization has so far been upheld by the courts

@kiplet: Pass all the laws you like. Kids are still gonna do what kids have always been gonna do.

@esedia: Yep. There’s a vat of dwarf-elf hybrid cells growing in my basement right now.

@lavietidhar:  that’s urban fantasy! denied! denied! or new weird or something.

@kiplet:  Indeed. “Vat” is terribly UF. “Flagon” or “barrel” or perhaps “jug” would be more properly epic in tone.

@lavietidhar: I put it to my learned colleagues that centaurs have no place in our epic fantasy genre.

@lavietidhar: KEEP THE CENTAURS OUT OF MY EPIC FANTASY!

@kiplet: They’re more mythopoetipunk?

@lavietidhar: centaurs are totally rapey.

@felixgilman: agreed. a certain amount of rape is needed to show that yr Epic is Serious, but it need not involve centaurs

@lavietidhar: also, and i hesitate to bring this up in front of this esteemed panel, but… the orc question?

@lavietidhar: can you have epic fantasy without orcs? what ARE orcs, exactly? where do they fall on the standard race scale?

@buffysquirrel: orcs belong to Tolkien. they are innately evil, as far as i can make out, in line with ‘birth is destiny’ racism

@MEStaton: depends on who you ask. In Tolkien they are ‘ruined’ elves aren’t they?

@MagneticCrow: The name ‘orc’ originally referred a sea creature (orcas are named for them) which Tolkien appropriated to use as goblins. :\

@esedia: that’s just racist.

@lavietidhar: please, we all prefer “racialist”.

@lavietidhar: do orcs have feelings? if you prick them, do they not bleed?

@felixgilman: the ideal elf/dwarf/orc ratio is 3/5/10,000 (this has been proved by mathematics)

@esedia: Mathematics? That’s awfully sci fi.

@esedia: And what’s the proper ratio of elves to rape in epic fantasy?

@felixgilman: rape frequency depends more on the number of Villains you need to establish are Bad

@kiplet:  I want to know why no one talks about how an orc can just as easily be raped by an elf I mean come on.

@lavietidhar: as kierkegaard said, the state of epic fantasy is always either/orc

And that’s all we had time for. Be sure to tune in next week where we’ll be discussing the topic WOMEN: THEY’RE JUST FUNNY LOOKING ALIENS, AREN’T THEY?