I Can Has LolCat Sci Fi?

In the spirit of – well, I don’t know, in the spirit of silly? Because it’s Wednesday? – it occurred to me that, first, what the world needs is a sci fi magazine in LolCat and that, second, no one that I know of has ever had their short story translated into LolCat. I give you, therefore… I R Dragon!

Note: I adopted the cat in the photo, Taega, in Vientiane in Laos in 2008. He was a street cat abandoned with his brothers. Luckily a friend’s landlady was a cat-lover, and Taega eventually found a home with her, and many other cats, near Nam Phu. His brother, Smol Wan, didn’t survive. He makes a small appearance in my novel Osama.

I R Dragon

By Lavie Tidhar

(Original English title: Enter The Dragon. Later, Enter Another. Translated into LOLCat with the aid of speaklolcat.com)

2 Jared Shurin

1.

Julian Assange’s impenetrable fortres ov ice liez on top ov mount terror, on ros island in antarctica.

It be beautiful, icy desolashun, hidin inside it teh planet’s most wantd man. His naym iz Julian.

Teh fortres iz patrolld at all tiems by wikileakz guerrillas, battle-hardend veteranz ov teh war on info, teh war on terror, teh war 4 pplz valuez an teh american wai ov life. Behind itz sher ice walls teh wikilord residez in utilitarian splendour, bankz ov computers broadcastin continuous digital signal 2 overhead satellitez, spreadin teh werd. Teh werdz.

Data. All, as teh faithful say, iz data.

Informashun wants 2 be free.

2.

Informashun wants 2 be free.

They brd me out ov teh black vats, deep underground, mouldd me out ov teh greatest warriors ov all tiem, General Schwarzkopf an Chuck Norris wif hint ov Idi Amin, touch ov Bruce Lee. I r dragon. I kill at teh sped ov thot. I come 2 Antarctica as doodz has dun ovar senturiez, by sea. British ice-breakr deposits me on frozen land. Brokd icebergs drift acros teh ocean. I practice by breakin solid ice wif mah bare hanz. I stare up at teh frozen volcanoez, at Mount Erebus an Mount Terror. Erebus iz beautiful cone ov snow an ice, but teh eye iz drawn 2 Terror, wer battle dronez fly liek dark birdz in da sky.

I kill bear wif only mah knife an wear itz hide.

Im ready 4 dis task, as ready as i can evr be.

I reach teh volcano.

I begin 2 climb.

3.

I kill bear wif only mah knife an wear itz hide.

Teh Iraq war wuz computr simulashun. Thousandz ov sentient ghosts did within itz cyclez ov warfare. Virusez ov mas destrucshun wreckd havoc on sculptd landscape, pr coup détat 4 da american infidels. Teh truth iz evrywhere u look, jus pick up teh signal, reality iz not wut u c, it wut u finkz it iz.

4.

Teh Iraq war wuz computr simulashun

Teh furst Assange i eliminatd wuz in Paris. He wuz vershun 5.02, without teh killr instincts as yet, blond almost wite-haird, charismatic, preachin teh werd on teh Rue Saint Michel.

As i ran away frum teh scene ov mah crime mandela-bots chasd me, tellin me thar iz anothr wai. I did not wants their truth, nor reconciliashun. I escapd by speedboat on teh seine, already i wuz bookd 4 second job, in Tel Aviv.

5.

He wuz vershun 5.02

On Dizengoff Street i eliminatd teh Assange preachin sedishun, latr model, war programmin upgradd, he put up fight, his knife routinez wuz beautifully choreografd but i r dragon, an i completd mah mishun an flew 2 Riyadh.

6.

Thar had been 7 Assangez in Riyadh but none when i left.

7.

Almost teh wurst tiem, i finkz, had been when Wikileakz releasd teh Black Dosir.

We wuz not yet ready 4 itz truths. Leakd cablez, highly seekret intelligence. High definishun imagez ov armd yetis in da himalayas, wagin guerrilla war, bandoliers ov bullets slung acros their broad hairy chests.

Silvr flyin saucers landin in da congo, greys steppin out in clandestine meetings, armin teh rebels in exchange 4 gold an enrichd uranium.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad reveald as an american-built simulacra, hell when teh news broke, teh doodz ov teh simulacra factory in detroit protestin at teh posible los ov their job, imagez revealin an army ov George w. Bushez inside, all packd up carefully in cratez, ready 2 be shippd 2 South America.

Teh Black Dosir wuz bad, but wut wuz yet 2 come wuz worse.

8.

We wuz not yet ready 4 itz truths

I did chasin Assange thru teh streets ov La Paz. Dis wuz new vershun, i had not expectd it. Bolivia wuz undr military lockdown, thar wuz George Bush simulacra on evry cornr, armd an grinnin, an i decapitatd several enemy agents an an alien grey before i cornerd Assange – but it had been trap. Chez came streamin out ov teh shadows an left mah body smokin ruin on teh warehaus floor an i did.

9.

I wuz reborn.

10.

I did again in Gaza.

11.

In Beijin.

12.

In Amsterdam.

13.

On teh streets ov Wells Next teh Sea.

14.

Teh Assangez wuz improovin, redesignin, upgradin. Wikiwar broke out in Azerbaijan. Boingboin freedom fighters stormd closd-network sentre in upstate New York an liberatd teh ais held within. Doctorow went on cnn 2 disclaim responsibility. E-book piratez off da coast ov Somalia declard independence frum teh internet.

15.

Teh Assangez wuz improovin

It wuz teh yer teh Darknet rebellion faild.

16.

Den they releasd teh Illuminati Dosir.

Chinees experiments in tiem travel led 2 teh third great Middle Kingdom empire. Zheng He discoverd America an Chinees ships followd en mase, colonizin teh new continent.

Bloodid wars wif teh Inca Empire. Teh release ov bubonic plague in Europe cleanzd teh wurld ov caucasianz an fred up real estate.

But teh Americanz struck bargain wif teh Greys, allowin them 2 use American soil 4 extraordinary rendishuns ov othr alien racez. Guantanamo Bay as an alien detenshun sentre, waterboardd yetis, fotos wikileakd ov young American soldiers posin wif grin an cigarette next 2 bigfoot wif sack ovar his head, his genitalia exposd.

Teh greys tradd tiem travel tech 2 teh Americanz.

Zheng He returnd frum teh new continent empty handd. Teh Middle Kingdom closd in on itself. Scorez ov cia traind agents wuz sent bak in tiem 2 assasinate Hitlr. All faild.

Tiem became ting in constant flux. Teh past changd frum wan dai 2 teh next. Seekret conspiraciez rewrote teh wurld in their image. Jebus marrid Mary an had children an livd teh rest ov his dais in da Galilee, dyin at last ov old age. Teh Da Vinci Code wuz eradicatd frum history. Von Daniken’s body wuz findz, perfectly preservd in 4 million yer old block ov ice.

Dose wuz teh bad tiems.

17.

Tiem became ting in constant flux

Slowly tiem wuz patchd togethr. Thankfully we had Wikipedia, so we knew wut 2 keep, wut 2 throw. Bruce Sterlin clonez wuz sent out 2 all major Jonbar points, dose placez wer history divergd, in ordr 2 keep them on single tiem-line. Boingboin cadets recruitd frum teh masif geek ghettos ov north america servd as tiem troopers. Teh Gulf War nevr happend – happend – nevr happend – happend – teh Iraq War endd prematurely – nevr endd – nevr began. It wuz hard 2 keep track since so few ov us evr paid history mutch attenshun in da furst place.

18.

Bruce Sterlin clonez wuz sent out 2 all major Jonbar points

I penetratd nest ov Assangez in east berlin an smashd their eggs. They had began utilisin alien biotech 4 their breedin programmez. Wikiwar eruptd in da Filippinez. Self-replicatin Mandela bots spread out in most major urban areas. Cory Doctorow wuz electd president 4 life ov Simcountry. I did in Mexico.

19.

In Cairo.

20.

In Wurld ov Warcraft.

21.

In Mafia Wars.

22.

Wikiwar eruptd in da Filippinez

In da geek ghettos they brd new soldiers 4 da werd, it didn’t mattr how lotz da George . Bush simulacras u shippd 2 markit or how lotz da wikisoldiers buyd it on teh download, new onez always emergd. Wikiwar broke out in Pennsylvania. Virtual Yakuza huntd down virtual Assangez in Japan. Celebrity sekz tapez wuz wikileakd: Adolf an Eva, teh Peróns, Amin’s orgiez, Kennedy an Monroe, teh Pamela Anderson clonez an Yetis gone Wild.

Teh wurld wuz drunk on data, chokd on itz own informashun vomit, we believd evrythin an thus nothin. So they sent me.

Den they replacd me.

Den they sent me out again.

23.

In da geek ghettos they brd new soldiers 4 da werd

Julian Assange’s impenetrable fortres ov ice liez on top ov Mount Terror. It be beautiful, icy desolashun, hidin inside it teh planet’s most wantd man. His naym iz Julian.

A British ice-breakr deposits me on frozen land. Brokd icebergs drift acros teh ocean. I practice by breakin solid ice wif mah bare hanz. I stare up at teh frozen volcanoez, at mount erebus an mount terror. Erebus iz beautiful cone ov snow an ice, but teh eye iz drawn 2 Terror; always 2 Terror.

Im ready 4 dis task, as ready as i can evr be.

I reach teh volcano.

I begin 2 climb.

TEH END

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